Gentle Readers . . . and Maxwell,
July 31st is a very important day because it's the day my beloved baby girl was born. I didn't know if I was having a boy or a girl. The ultrasound hadn't indicated the presence or the lack of a certain body part.
So when I gave that last mighty push and she popped out, I was thrilled to hear, IT'S A GIRL! quickly followed by, LOOK AT HER HAIR! (Yes, she had a lot of hair and it was long.)
I'd been hoping desperately for a girl. We already had our son and he was the one X cared about. He was X's child and I was just along for their ride. I wanted a girl because she would be my child.
And she was.
After she was cleaned up and wrapped in a blanket, the nurse handed her off to X, who looked as if he'd been handed a loaded gun and didn't know what to do with it. She was screaming enough to make her presence known. X turned her over to me and the second she was in my arms the screaming stopped and I was so in love with her.
The love has never ended.
She turned out to be a great kid: bright, beautiful, fun, talented in so many ways. I was very proud of her and probably bragged about her entirely too much.
When she was sad, I wanted so badly to make it all better.
I was never enough. I know I was a better parent than my mother was to me, but I was not enough. I made mistakes. I was mean and sarcastic at times. I yelled. There were things I should have bought for her that I didn't buy. I was definitely not enough, and for all the mistakes I made, all the wrongs I committed, I'm so sorry. I have apologized to my son, too. I was a better parent to my daughter than to my son. I never had enough patience.
She wanted her dad to care about her too, and I couldn't make that happen. I was riding on his roller coaster and it drove me to the edge.
But I loved them. Both of them. I still love them in spite of all the things that have gone wrong.
My daughter lives a world and a lifetime away. I'm proud of her success. I'm happy for her. I hope she's pleased with her success and happy with her life.
Happy Birthday, Baby Girl.
Love,
Snoo
Your post was a beautifully written tribute to your daughter. I empathized with you when you mentioned mistakes you made when raising your children. I have been down that path myself with my three children. Just remember though, that there is no road map to being a parent. You kind of have to go with your gut when things crop up. Your daughter is successful, so you certainly did some things correctly!
ReplyDeleteShe worked very hard to obtain a good education and she has a good job. I'm happy for her.
DeleteAw, happy birthday to the littles Junebug!
ReplyDeleteWhen she was a little girl she would have liked being called that, but not now!
DeleteI imagine being a parent is hard, wanting to give the child everything but maybe you can't; or having moods that you may regret, even though we all have moods.
ReplyDeleteAll you can wish is that your child be happy and if that's true, I think you did a pretty good job.
xoxo
I hope she's happy. I don't know.
DeleteA Mother's Love is coming through in this post!!!!! A Happy Birthday to her! I hope she had a good day.
ReplyDeleteI hope she did, too. She travels a lot. Perhaps she went some place interesting.
DeleteNo one is perfect, and I'm sure it's hard to be a parent when your own models for parenting may have been lacking. I hope your daughter has a good birthday.
ReplyDeleteMy models were definitely lacking! I certainly loved her and told her so.
DeleteNone of us are perfect people, so none of us can be perfect parents. Happy birthday to your beautiful daughter.
ReplyDeleteWhen she was a teen, people sometimes thought we were sisters! That always shocked me. I never understood how anyone could think such a silly thing because of a family resemblance.
DeleteThis is truly beautiful and I hope your Baby Girl reads it. And feels the love.
ReplyDeleteShe won't read it, but I hope she knows I love her.
DeleteHappy, happy birthday to your dear daughter!
ReplyDeleteHappy birthday to you baby girl! I only had one baby, a boy and like you, I didn't know if I was going to have a boy or girl but I somehow thought my baby would be a boy, and I was right! I hope my son forgives me for the mistakes I made in his life. After all, we are all human and deserve forgiveness. Take care!
ReplyDeleteSometimes it's nice to be surprised!
DeleteYes, Happy birthday to your Baby Girl from another inadequate mother. As my oldest daughter (whose birthday was July 28th) told my youngest daughter, so often, she did the best she could. We did better than our parents, and hope our children do better than we.
ReplyDeleteAt least we admit we were inadequate. My mother never would have recognized or admitted that she was abusive.
DeleteHappy Birthday to your daughter! All parents make mistakes - that's par for the course, but I hope you and your Baby Girl still have a good relationship. ♥
ReplyDeleteI love her.
DeleteI think I hear a world of heartbreak in this post, and I wish I could give you a big hug and tell you that no parent is perfect, we all wish we had done some or a lot of things differently, and most of us do the best we can with what we knew at the time. Forgiveness is not just for everyone else, it's for ourselves, too. Happy Birthday to your daughter, and to you too (because I think birthdays should be a celebration for the mama too) xx
ReplyDeleteThank you, darling donkey. I could use that hug.
DeleteHappy Birthday to your beloved daughter, and also to her mother. our children's actual days of birth are monumental days for us, too.
ReplyDeleteThe most important days of my life were when my children were born. I love them so much.
DeleteThere is such a sorrow coming through that post. Sending you love. I doubt if any one of us is as inadequate as we believe.
ReplyDeleteI miss my girl so much.
Delete