This blog post is from 2014.
Gentle Readers . . . and Maxwell,
Sunday evening Willy Dunne Wooters and I watched the season finale of Last Tango In Halifax, a romantic show on PBS that we love (WDW says we are just like the main characters). Then we stopped by the bedroom for a visit, just to make sure it hadn't disappeared as rooms sometimes do. After that, we cuddled on the couch in the living room as we said goodnight.
Suddenly I saw a ginormous, gihugic palmetto bug hanging around just below the edge of the fireplace mantel. I squealed and pointed. Willy Dunne Wooters said, Good God, that's a big one (I, too, had made that statement when we checked on the status of the bedroom).
I ran to get one of my yellow shoes, the yellow shoes I don't like very much because they aren't a true yellow. They're mustard.
I used the yellow shoe to try to smack the palmetto bug. The bastard escaped (they always do at first; they like to create a real competition in the area of Person v. Palmetto Bug) and ran up the wall and hid under a plate that's hanging above the mantel.
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| See the plate with pink roses above the other plate? He was hiding under the higher plate. |
I can't take down the plate to hit the bug, I wailed. Why not? asked WDW.
I'm afraid I'll drop it and break it, I wailed, and my great grandmother brought that plate with her when my family left Norway to live in the U.S. That plate is a Norwegian antique. So is the one under it.
I'll get the bug spray, said Willy Dunne Wooters. Where's the bug spray?
It's on the cart at the back door where I keep the cleaning supplies, I wailed (lots of wailing in this post). But we can't get the spray on the plate. It could damage the plate and my great grandmother brought it to the U.S. from Norway.
Keep an eye on him and make sure he doesn't escape, said Willy Dunne Wooters.
Then I heard all this fumbling around with the cleaning supplies on the cart at the back door, while I stared at the plate and saw an antenna poke out just a tiny bit at the top of the plate.
Willy Dunne Wooters returned. I can't find the bug spray, said Willy Dunne Wooters.
Jesus Christ, I wailed. I gave him the mustard shoe and went to get the bug spray.
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See the big red and white container on the top shelf? It has a spraying wand on the side that resembles a bright red penis. That's the bug spray Willy Dunne Wooters couldn't find. I guess I shouldn't expect much. He is the man who complained that my glass cleaner was absolutely worthless when he was actually trying to clean his glasses with laundry stain remover. |
I returned with the bug spray and very carefully sprayed a tiny bit under the edge of the plate. Then a bit more under the opposite side. Then more under the bottom.
Finally the bastard scooted out and headed for the safety of the ceiling. Willy Dunne Wooters stood on my cedar chest, which lives in front of the fireplace that I don't use, and smacked the hell out of the palmetto bug. He hit that m#f! so hard that palmetto guts splattered the wall.
Finally the bastard scooted out and headed for the safety of the ceiling. Willy Dunne Wooters stood on my cedar chest, which lives in front of the fireplace that I don't use, and smacked the hell out of the palmetto bug. He hit that m#f! so hard that palmetto guts splattered the wall.
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I'm sorry this photo is kind of dark. Can you see the cedar chest in front of the fireplace? It has a tapestry on top of it. I was pretty darn impressed with the way that my WDW jumped up there and smacked the palmetto bug with the mustard shoe. |
The late Mr. Palmetto fell on the mantel. I scooped him up with some toilet paper and flushed him. And, yes, I wailed the entire time.
Wooters + Junebug = 100 points
Palmetto Bastard = 0 points
Infinities of love,
Janie Junebug
That is a gripping superhero story worthy of Marvel comics, hahahahaha! "Captain America and the Winter Soldier Versus the Giant Palmetto Bug." Or maybe the superheroes involved should be Thor and Loki since, after all, an antique Norwegian plate is also involved.
ReplyDeleteWe definitely need to run with a Norwegian theme since I have other items from Norway in the house.
DeleteI sometimes think it might be easier to just burn the house down and move.
ReplyDeletexoxo
Our house in Illinois was so full of mice that moving out and turning the place over to the rodents seemed like the best option.
DeleteI've never dealt with a palmetto bug but have seen some fairly large cockroaches in New York and Senegal. If they get out of my sight, I would have to evacuate. This time of year we get wolf spiders which are harmless but big. They are also crafty and fast. My cat isn't doing her job of capturing them!
ReplyDeleteI've never forgotten the first time I saw a slug in Seattle. I had no idea what it was. The thing was gigantic. Eventually I got a kick out of pouring salt on them as they left their ugly streaks on my sliding glass door.
DeleteII think I remember this post. I guess we have been blogger family for a good while. But picking a palmetto bug story--why?! I still remember the one and only time I saw one when when I was a kid on vacation in Florida. Giant, giant size creepy, creepy bug!! *shudders*
ReplyDeleteYou're lucky you only saw one when you were in Florida.
DeleteThere's a scene in Annie Hall, in which Annie calls Alvy (her ex boyfriend) to come over to her place in the middle of the night to kill a giant spider for her. I saw it at the movie theatre with future husband, M, early in our dating history. We laughed uncontrollably. It reminded us of a similar event that had happened to us. I knew then (if not sooner) that M was a keeper.
ReplyDeleteI've encountered Palmetto bugs in Texas and they're even worse!
I know exactly what you're talking about with Annie Hall. That sequence is hilarious. I'm glad M turned out to be a keeper. As for Texas, everything is bigger there.
DeleteYup, I thought of Annie Hall also. I'll be honest here, for as I followed the chase pictorially, I kept thinking how adorable your house looks, Norwegian plates and all. No wonder the bug came in.
ReplyDeleteThank you. That was the living room in 2014. It's a bit different now. Less bug appealing, I hope.
Deletedear Janie this was like i am watching thriller movie lol
ReplyDeleteyou are amazing story teller :)))
i really enjoyed your powerful description of each scene
no doubt that you and the insect both gave each other tough time equally lol
bravo for keeping your grandma's plate safe and accomplishing the mission successfully 👍🥰
Thank you so much, dear Baili. Those bugs are big and fast, but I'm bigger and have shoes and other items that do a lot of damage. I had forgotten the mustard-colored shoes. They were really ugly.
DeleteWell Done! We have an occasional Palmetto bug sneak in the house even though we have the outside foundation sprayed regularly. I keep a homemade concoction of castille soap, peppermint oil and water on hand to spray on them. I guess I should be upset that it destroys the coating on their exoskeletons and they stop moving__forever. Yeah, no!
ReplyDeleteWe'll never feel sorry for a palmetto bug, will we? They are so disgusting. I've discovered that a good squirt of wasp spray slows them down so I can SMACK!!!
DeleteYour post is apropos for me as we've had some palmetto bug issues here. Shirley goes nuts when she sees one, and together we work on finding it and getting rid of it. I don't know why, but those things really do gross me out.
ReplyDeleteThey are ugly as hell and so big. They're hard to catch. You never know when and where you'll suddenly see one. They gross you out because they're gross. I especially hate it when they take off and fly. They're scary like the flying monkeys in The Wizard of Oz.
DeleteBless your heart, Janie! I hope everything works out for you.
ReplyDeleteThe invasion of a palmetto bug is only an occasional thing. When I moved into my house in 2009 they were much worse. With a lot of cleaning, killing, and cursing, I've gotten them under control.
DeleteI don't know what a palmetto is but they don't sound nice.
ReplyDeleteWhy are men so bad at looking?
Palmetto bug is a nicer name for the American cockroach. They are huge and they can fly. I go along with using palmetto because it differentiates the big bug from the smaller German cockroaches. I've never heard those referred to as anything other than cockroaches or roaches. I would also like to know why men are so bad at looking. If I would ask X to fix some little thing, he always asked, Where's it at? I wanted to scream because I couldn't stand the way he concluded the sentence with a preposition and because he lived in the same house with me. Why didn't he know where anything was? I was more understanding with Willy Dunne Wooters, who did not live here, but my goodness! The bug spray was pretty obvious.
DeleteI used to love Last Tango in halifax though both daughters irritated me in one way or another.
ReplyDeleteYes! The daughters were very irritating. Their plot lines kept fluctuating. The characters weren't well written, and they were whiny.
DeleteYuck to the Palmetto bug, but your story was very amusing, Janie. And your Norwegian plates are lovely.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Debbie. The first time I saw those bugs after moving here, I had no idea what they were. I had never seen another bug that disgusting.
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