BOOK NOOK: HOT FLASHES & COLD LEMONADE

Dear Pearl,

I've never written a letter to a character in a book before, but I feel as if I know you after reading about you and your family and your friends in Hot Flashes & Cold Lemonade, which I purchased from Amazon at http://www.amazon.com/Flashes-Lemonade-Susan-Flett-Swiderski/dp/148489071X.

Your creator, Susan Flett Swiderski, said in an interview on my blog (click HERE to read the interview) that you are an Everywoman. She's absolutely right. I can really relate to you.

Menopause and I are close personal friends, so I get how you're feeling. I know you love your husband, George, but he can be kind of an annoying goofus. You love your kids, too. They're less that perfect, especially that selfish one who needs his butt kicked, but you love unconditionally, Pearl. It's difficult for you to say no. You're good to your friends, but you have your share of trials and tribulations with some of them. 

Pearl, I really love it that you're so funny. You make me laugh, and I value that in a friend. It's great that you're a member of my Frequent Farters Club:

[Pearl's] stomach rumbled an ominous warning. She shifted in her seat, studied her bulletin, and hoped it was a false alarm.

It wasn't. Her internal gas pressure was definitely on the rise. Something had to give, and soon. She glanced around her, and took stock of the situation.

With a blank expression on her face, she looked back at her bulletin and gently released some of the gas, oh so carefully, slowly and silently.

A six-year-old boy sitting behind her promptly announced, "Ewww! Somebody FARTED!"

Oh, my goodness, Pearl. Been there, done that. How many times have I sat in church with my cheeks clenched trying not to let loose a stinker?

Pearl, I can see that you're going through a coming of age thing, but not in the sense of a typical bildungsroman. Your life is changing, and you're coming of age because you know you've . . . I can't say it, Pearl. I'd be giving away too much, and I want people to buy Hot Flashes & Cold Lemonade and enjoy it.

Your creator, Susan, reminds me of one of my favorite authors, and a favorite of hers – Anne Tyler. This book has a little drama, a little humor, and a whole lotta quirkiness. 

And quirkiness is what it's really all about, Pearl. You have The Janie Junebug Highest Seal of Approval.


Infinities of love,

Janie Junebug


P.S. To read a synopsis of Hot Flashes & Cold Lemonade, click HERE. To purchase Hot Flashes & Cold Lemonade, which I highly recommend you do, please visit Amazon at http://www.amazon.com/Flashes-Lemonade-Susan-Flett-Swiderski/dp/148489071X.

GRATITUDE TUESDAY: THE HURRICANE

Gentle Readers . . . and Maxwell,

Tomorrow is The Hurricane's 27th birthday. I am so proud of my baby. She is brilliant and beautiful, but also beautiful and brilliant.

Happy Birthday, Hurricane! 

I'm so proud of you, and so grateful for you, Hurricane. I hope you have a wonderful birthday.

Infinities of love,

Janie Junebug, a.k.a. Mommy

AUTHOR AUTHOR: SUSAN FLETT SWIDERSKI

Gentle Readers . . . and Maxwell,

I welcome you to an interview with Susan Flett Swiderski, who blogs at I Think; Therefore, I Yam, and is the author of the recently released novel, Hot Flashes & Cold Lemonade, available from Amazon at  http://www.amazon.com/Flashes-Lemonade-Susan-Flett-Swiderski/dp/148489071X.

Take a gander at Susan:

And here's her delightful book:

On with the interview:

Q. What was the very first idea you had that got you started on this book?

A. It began with the premise of two women, one black and one white, who are lifelong best friends. It tickled my sense of whimsy to pick names more commonly associated with one race and do a switcheroo. Ergo, the white gal became Pearl, and the black gal, Candy. The story built layer by layer from there.

Q. What's your writing process like? Did it change as you worked on the novel?

A. I started with a basic (very basic) outline of what I wanted to happen, chapter by chapter, and then began filling in all the empty spaces by writing the stories from points A to B in longhand. Needless to say, I went through a lot of notebooks, but my brain seemed to function better with a pen in my hand than by staring at a blank computer screen. When I typed each chapter into my (believe it or not) Apple IIE, I did the first edits as I went along. Since so many years elapsed since that first draft and the day I pulled it out of the closet and decided to scan it into my PC and give it another go, I’ve become more comfortable doing edits and rewrites directly in the computer. Even so, when I get stuck, I still revert to paper and pen.

Q.    What have you learned about publishing a book that might be helpful to other writers?

A. If you aren’t qualified to design a topnotch cover and do a professional formatting job, pay someone who is.  If you aren’t a pain-in-the-patootie stickler for proper spelling and grammar, (like I am) consider hiring a professional editor, as well.  Nothing will ruin an otherwise good story faster than lousy formatting and poor editing.

Q.    How much of you is in Pearl, or in other characters? Is Pearl's family based on your family, or on people you've known?

A. Pearl is unique in some ways, but I also think of her as Everywoman. She and I share many common traits, but I think most women will see something of themselves in her. By the same token, many male readers seem to be identifying with George. No characters are directly based on people I’ve known, but I think most writers borrow memorable attributes, whether good or bad, from people who’ve made an impression on them.

Q.    If the book were made into a movie, and you got to choose the actors, whom would you pick?

A. I’m gonna punt this one right back atcha. Once upon a time, I imagined Jane Fonda as Pearl, but unlike us, she’s gotten older, and would no longer fit the part. I don’t watch enough movies to be up-to-date on actors, so you guys tell me. Here’s what we need in three 50-something roles: a short attractive blonde to play Pearl; a tall slender black woman with chocolate-colored skin, almond-shaped eyes and short Afro… oh, and of regal bearing and grace, to play Candy; a tall man with a lot more face to wash than there used to be, (i.e. balding) thickening around the middle, with a boyish grin. All need to be equally adept at playing comedic and dramatic roles. Lots more roles, but let’s leave it at these three. (Unless you have some scathingly brilliant ideas, Janie.)

Jane Junebug says: I would cast Meryl Streep as Pearl because only the best will do for this part. I think Viola Davis would be great as Candy. How about Tommy Lee Jones for George? 

Q.  Are you working on another book? If you are, please tell us a little about what we can expect in the future. 

A. Yes, and it’s a lot more ambitious than this one. Depending on how it plays out, Blast Rites (tentative title) may turn out to be three books, or one long-assed book split into three parts. In the first part, a man lies his way into the good graces of a Korean War widow, who refuses to believe her daughter Samantha’s complaints about him. When he dies in a mysterious explosion, Mom blames Sam for his death. Part two takes place during Sam’s stay in a girls’ reform school. What’s totally cool is not only have I found info about a reform school that existed in Maryland during the time frame of my story, but have found and joined an online group with women who were actually in there! (How cool is that?) The third part takes place after Sam is released from the reform school, and becomes a student at the University of Maryland. I have some reeeeally delicious twists planned for this last part.

Q.  Who are your favorite writers and what are your favorite books?

A. That would be a very long list. Just to name a handful: Michael Crichton, Jodi Picault, Iris Johansen, Stuart Woods, (more his earlier stuff than recent) Tami Hoag, and Anne Tyler. LOTS, lots more.  I love a bazillion books, but one of my favorites is A Prayer for Owen Meany , by John Irving. The brilliant way he tied up all the story lines at the end had me all but cheering.

Q.  I think you're very witty. Does your family think you're funny, or do they roll your eyes when you say something hilarious? 

A. I’ve been known to get a few eye rolls and groans from them, but for the most part, they’re an appreciative audience.

Q.  Do you laugh at your own jokes?

A. Heck, yeah! But it’s also a lot of fun to say something outrageous with a deadpan expression.  Like one time, my mother and I were sitting side-by-side on the sofa with our feet resting on the coffee table. Everybody was just sitting around watching television, no talking. Boooooring. So I turned to my mother and said, “Are my feet in your way?” She said no, so I moved my feet a teensy bit, and said, “Are they in your way now?” Again, she said no, so I moved them again. When I asked the third time, she cracked up.  And popped me one. 

Thank you, Susan, for answering my questions. Gentle Readers, if you don't follow Susan at I Think; Therefore, I Yam, then I think you'll want to start. Now. Check her out. She's so funny and interesting.

On Wednesday, I'll review her novel, Hot Flashes & Cold Lemonade, available from Amazon at  http://www.amazon.com/Flashes-Lemonade-Susan-Flett-Swiderski/dp/148489071X. Hint: I loved it.

Infinities of love,

Janie Junebug

FRANKLIN FRIDAY: SOME BUDDY POOPIED IN THE BEDROOM

Hi, Every Buddy! It's me me me me me, Franklin the Bordernese. I have kinda bad news. Some buddy poopied in the bedroom. Mom got up Thursday morning and found it -- with her foot.

I don't know who poopied. It coulda been me, but I don't remember doing that and I would never poopie in the house on purpose.

You shoulda heard Mom. She asked us if we had gas because the bedroom was stinky. She didn't have her glasses on yet and all of a sudden she let out this aieeeeeearghbleahoooooeeee screamity noise.

I wonder if Mom poopied and made that noise because she wanted to pretend it wasn't her, or maybe she was surprised that she poopied on the rug.

It was gooshy, and it smooshed between Mom's toes.

Yeah. She wasn't happy about it.

There were four piles. Mom cleaned it up. She definitely was not happy.

I love you all, Every Buddy, and I hope you don't have poopie problems.


Franklin the Bordernese

MOVIE WEEKEND: QUARTET

Gentle Readers . . . and Maxwell,

Today I present for your consideration a lovely movie called Quartet (2012, PG-13, Available On DVD).

At a home for retired musicians, every year they hold a fundraising gala in which the elderly musicians perform. This year, Cissy (Pauline Collins), Wilf (Billy Connolly), and Reg (Tom Courtenay) are shocked when Reg's ex-wife Jean (Maggie Smith) becomes a resident at the home. Jean once sang the quartet from Verdi's Rigoletto with the three of them, but then she went on to become quite the star in the world of opera. Will she now consent to perform the quartet with them, thus bringing in a large audience, and save the home from financial ruin?

I loved this movie from the moment it began! Most members of the supporting cast really are retired musicians, and they continue to make such beautiful music. The actors are excellent, and it amazes me that Maggie Smith, who is fast approaching her 80th birthday, can make so many movies and still appear as the Dowager Countess in our beloved Downton Abbey. 

Furthermore, Quartet represents Dustin Hoffman's directorial debut.

I must warn you that this movie is quite predictable. I didn't care, but perhaps it will bore you. Children about age 12 and older might enjoy it, even though it's about a bunch of old farts. Kids might like seeing Professor McGonagall (Maggie Smith) in a different role. Professor Dumbledore (Michael Gambon) is also in the movie, though in a somewhat smaller part. You should be aware that this movie includes profanity and quite a bit of sexual innuendo, as Wilf continues to think himself quite the ladies' man, and discussion of a past indiscretion comes up.

Quartet earns The Janie Junebug Highest Seal of Approval.

Infinities of love,

Janie Junebug

DEAR NETFLIX: PLEASE STOP SWITCHING MOVIES FROM STREAMING TO DVD ONLY

Dear Netflix:

I love you. I'm sure you know I love you. You keep me supplied with a steady stream of DVDs, delivered right to my door for my viewing pleasure. And when I don't have a DVD, because of streaming, I can watch movies, and TV shows that I missed when they were actually on TV.

But a friend and I were chatting about you recently, and we agreed that we're unhappy with you for one reason. I know you're concerned and curious, so here's the reason:

We really hate it when we have a movie or TV show in our Instant Queues and you take it away and make it available by DVD only. And when you force this travesty of justice on us, you give us a week's notice – or less – that you're removing the desired item from the Instant Queue. That doesn't give us enough time to watch an entire TV series, and sometimes you tell us you're taking away three or four movies within a week's time. We can't get to all those before you steal them. We feel frustrated when we're looking forward to watching something, and POOF! it's gone. 

My friend said she sent an email to you, Netflix, and you ignored her. You didn't even bother to send an automated reply. She wanted to call you and tell you that this practice bothers her, but she couldn't find your phone number. These days a lot of businesses want to make it difficult for consumers to get in touch with them, but I found your phone number and gave it to my friend. Your number, in case you can't find it yourself, is

1-866-579-7115.

So my friend called you, Netflix, and the person who answered your phone said that the shows are taken away from streaming because the contract runs out on the deal and they have to be seen by DVD. Gosh, Netflix. Can't a big business like you negotiate something to keep your customers happy? Or can't you give us more notice that a contract is running out? And why don't you tell us that the contract is the reason we're losing the show? 

I suggested to my friend that if lots of people call you at 

1-866-579-7115 that maybe you'll try harder to keep the movies and TV series you've promised us in our Instant Queues. I must say I was very disappointed when Middle Child recommended that I watch the series Alias, so I put it in my Instant Queue, and within two days it was no longer available. Don't you realize it will take me months to watch a series such as that, one DVD at a time?

I want Alias and everything else you've taken away from me returned to my Instant Queue as soon as possible. So I'll definitely be calling you at 

1-866-579-7115 to express my feelings, in a polite and friendly manner, of course.

And just in case anyone else might want to call you to tell you that it's annoying when you remove something from streaming so suddenly, other people can call you, too – not that I'm suggesting anything.

So if you want to call Netflix and tell them to stop taking away something from streaming that you've eagerly anticipated seeing, you'll find that having their phone number is helpful. Now, let's see. What was that number again? Oh, yes. It's 

1-866-579-7115. 

I hope some of my friend enjoy chatting with your polite customer service representatives, Netflix.

I still love you, but Netflix, you don't wanna piss me off.

Janie Junebug

GRATITUDE TUESDAY: MRS. ROOMBA

Gentle Readers . . . and Maxwell,

I am so grateful that Mrs. Roomba has joined our happy little family. I didn't think I'd ever be able to afford her, but I saved up some Amazon gift cards and received a couple of Visa gift cards; and all of a sudden, I thought, Mrs. Roomba will be mine at last.

I got one of the more sophisticated Mrs. Roombas. She's made to work well with pet hair. And she does.

I have lots of reasons to be grateful for Mrs. Roomba, but I think these are the three most important grounds for Roomba love:

1. My house stays much cleaner, and cleanliness is next to cleanliness.

2. She saves my back from the stress and strain and pain of vacuuming.

3. It's kind of like having a sister-wife because she helps with the cleaning and she obeys me (first wife), but I don't have to bear the shame of polygamy, or the cause for arrest. I also don't have to be married to some creepy polygamist. *Note: I've been watching Big Love, which used to be on HBO. It's not anymore, but I'm generally a day late and a dollar short.

Here's a Roomba video I found online. It will give you some idea of how she works.



Mrs. Roomba is not perfect. Her work in corners is mediocre. To clean behind or underneath something, she has to be able to get behind or underneath whatever it is. Sometimes I pull out a piece of furniture, such as the couch, so that area isn't neglected.

I'm surprised at how easily she zips under my cedar chest and some other pieces of furniture that are pretty low to the ground. If she comes across some tumbleweeds of dog hair that she can't pick up, she kind of rolls them up together so I can grab them and throw them in the trash. She senses which areas are dirtiest and heads straight for them.

Her dust bin is very easy to empty. Before I ordered her from Amazon, I read a lot of reviews about her, and saw the problems some people had and the solutions that other people had. For example, someone said her filters have to be replaced all the time and it gets pretty expensive. Someone else came back with No, get a can of air and blow out her filters about once a week and you don't have to replace them very often. It's true, too. I've been giving her regular blow jobs.

Harper and Scout have adjusted to having her in the house. If she taps them, they get up and move. Franklin, however, is still the scaredy dog of the family. At least now he'll walk past her when she's not moving.

She bumps into me occasionally. It doesn't hurt, so of course, it doesn't hurt the furniture when she bumps into it. She goes from hardwood floors to area rugs with no trouble at all.

When Mrs. Roomba whirs around the house, keeping us clean for democracy, I feel as if God is in His heaven and all's right with the world.

Infinities of love,

Janie Junebug

Just so ya know, nobody paid me nothin' or gave me anything for writing this post, but if you would like to pay me or give me something nice, please let me know. I'm sure we can work it out.

FIRE!

Gentle Readers . . . and Maxwell,

Many years ago, during The Dark Ages, a lovely, funny woman named Bonnie tamed my hair. We always chatted happily as she played with my golden tresses.

Bonnie told me this story of a fire, and I've never forgotten it.

When her daughter was a very small baby, Bonnie went to check on her one night and at that very moment, a space heater in the room started a fire and the drapes went up in flames. Bonnie stared at the fire, transfixed. Her partner, Vince, dashed into the room, thrust the baby into Bonnie's arms, and pushed them out of the house.

A neighbor called for help, and as they waited for the firefighters, Vince grabbed what valuables he could from the house and brought them out to the front yard. The thingy is, Vince was naked.

As the fire engine arrived, Vince suddenly realized he was sans pants. The fire had spread, so sensible man that he was, Vince ran through the burning house, ran to the very back of the house to the laundry room, grabbed a pair of dirty jeans out of a laundry basket, put them on, and ran back through the burning house and out the front door.

I'm pleased to report that everyone survived, though the house was pretty badly damaged, and Bonnie had a great story to tell. By the time Bonnie trimmed my golden tresses, the baby saved from the fire was a teenager. She's probably about 40 years old now, and I bet Bonnie is still telling the story.

Why didn't Vince ask a neighbor for a towel to wrap around himself? Why didn't Vince run to the back of the house and dash in the back door, which led directly into the laundry room, if he was so determined to have a pair of jeans?

God only knows why we do the things we do, especially when we panic a wee bit.

Infinities of love,

Janie Junebug

FRANKLIN FRIDAY: I WINNED AN AWARD!

Hi, Every Buddy! It's me me me me me! Franklin the Bordernese! And I winned an award.

Oh. Mom says it's won. She wants every buddy, including dogs, to talk right and write right.

Whatever.

Anyway, this real nice lady named Carol Kilgore writes a blog called Under The Tiki Hut. You should pay her a visit.

She had an award to give away. It's called Sisterhood of the World Bloggers Award, and I didn't even have to do anything to get it. I winned, I mean won, just for being me.

I don't exactly understand because I don't have any sisters. Mom says the award is for her, too. I doubt it. Don't tell Mom I said so, but she's jealous of my pupularity.

Carol gave the award to some of the bloggers she's met during the past year, and that includes me me me me me, Franklin the Bordernese.

Mom says that once upon a time, The Hurricane and her dog Emma entered a Fun Dog Show. Hurricane and Emma won reserve champion. That means second place. Emma got a big trophy.

Here's a picture of Emma. She was a Labradoodle.

I don't have a trophy, but I don't care cuz I have a pretty award now on my blog.

I'm not gonna give the award away right now. I wanna look at it and maybe have Mom print it out and I'll chew on it a bit. Then maybe I'll share.

Anyhow, my tail is wagging so hard right now. That means I'm happy. Sometimes I'm so happy that I can't control my rear end. I think my tail has a mind of its own.

Thanks, Carol Kilgore! Thanks a whole big bunch!

I love you Every Buddy!

Franklin the Bordernese (hope you don't sneeze heheheheheheheh)

I am so funny.

MOVIE THURSDAY: GANGSTER SQUAD

Gentle Readers . . . and Maxwell,

Today I present for your consideration Gangster Squad (2013, Rated R, Available on DVD).

It's 1949 in Los Angeles, and gangster Mickey Cohen (Sean Penn) is above the law. Police Chief Parker (Nick Nolte) puts Sgt. John O'Mara (Josh Brolin) in charge of a secret police squad designed to bring down Cohen. O'Mara, a veteran of World War II, is joined by four other cops, and also tries to enlist another officer and veteran, Sgt. Jerry Wooters (Ryan Gosling), to help with the cause. At first, Wooters declines. But when violence hits too close to home, Wooters decides to become a member of the squad.

For about the first 10 to 15 minutes of this movie, I wondered, What going on here? And I thought, Euuuwwww, yucky and weird. But then everything changed. The movie became interesting. I felt caught up in the plot, and most of the acting is great. I wasn't too impressed with Sean Penn. He was over the top ridiculous -- even cartoonish. But I love Josh Brolin, and O'Mara's relationship with his pregnant wife Connie (Mireille Enos) is lovely. Connie doesn't want her husband involved in anything dangerous now that he's home from the war and safe. But she gets on board and proves to be of invaluable assistance.

Then there's Ryan Gosling. Ryan Gosling is reason enough to watch this movie. If you're foolish enough not to think he's a great actor, then I'm sure you'll enjoy looking at him. He's Ryan Gosling.

Ryan Gosling: You're not Johnny Depp,
but I love you.

Although Gangster Squad is filmed in color, it's kind of film noir-ish. I like the style. Fast-acting tough cops versus a nasty gangster makes for lots of action and excitement. Unlike film noir of the '30s and '40s, however, you'll see more graphic violence and lots of blood. The characters are stereotypes, but they're interesting stereotypes. 

This movie is definitely not for children. You might watch with teens about age 15 and older. 

Gangster Squad earns The Janie Junebug Highest Seal of Approval.

Dee, I don't think you'd like this movie. Rita, I think you'd enjoy it.

Happy viewing to all of you!

Infinities of love,

Janie Junebug

A blog can't have too many photos of Ryan Gosling.

THE GRAMMAR BITCH IS BACK

Gentle Readers . . . and Maxwell,

As you may have noticed, grammar has become a recurring topic on my blog. Why? I am The Queen of Grammar. Additionally, I have a grammar badge, presented to me by the fabulous fishducky.

If you don't follow fishducky at fishducky, finally!, then may God help you because I can't.

As your Queen, I've welcomed your recent grammatical inquiries and pet peeves.

Today, I'll focus on two topics.

First, Little Lotta Joy at Witless Relocation Program asked the following question: Is it: "I wish I were" or "I wish I was"

Thank you for this excellent question, Dana Joy Wyzard, author of Treadwell, a great novel available from Amazon at http://www.amazon.com/Treadwell-Sheltered-Foothills-Southern-Reclusive/dp/1483603644.

The answer is "I wish I were". Think subjunctive, but if you can't remember to think subjunctive, then remember that if you're talking or writing about a situation that's contrary to fact, then it's were.

Second, Susan Flett Swiderski at I Think; Therefore, I Yam commented: The grammar bug-a-boo that sticks in my craw these days is the mismatch of noun and pronoun. For example: "It's necessary for one to always do it themselves." And I am seeing this being done in blog posts, emails, magazines, newspapers, and books. Being done by writers who should know better! Or is it just me? Has someone changed the rules while I was taking a nap?

Susan, "they" tried to change the rules while you were napping, but with everyone's help, we'll stop those darn would-be rule changers. Please, Gentle Readers, make your nouns and pronouns match. If you're talking or writing about one person, then the pronoun can't be they. However, if you want to avoid the somewhat messy he/she matter, then make your noun plural and you can use they as your pronoun. When in doubt, consult your Queen.

Thank you, Susan Flett Swiderski, author of the excellent novel Hot Flashes & Cold Lemonade, available from Amazon at http://www.amazon.com/Flashes-Lemonade-Susan-Flett-Swiderski/dp/148489071X.

I soon shall finish reading Hot Flashes & Cold Lemonade, available from Amazon at http://www.amazon.com/Flashes-Lemonade-Susan-Flett-Swiderski/dp/148489071X. When I'm done reading Hot Flashes & Cold Lemonade, available from Amazon at http://www.amazon.com/Flashes-Lemonade-Susan-Flett-Swiderski/dp/148489071X, it will be the subject of a rave review on this-a-here blog because I loves me some Hot Flashes & Cold Lemonade. Did I mention you can buy it on Amazon? Check out http://www.amazon.com/Flashes-Lemonade-Susan-Flett-Swiderski/dp/148489071X.

Now for a couple of quick reminders, just in case you missed these grammatical concerns:

Adorable Andi at delusions of ingenuity pointed out that the past tense of drag is dragged. Charming Susie at loonysuse asked if I prefer dived or dove. I told her that dove is the traditional answer, but dived has become acceptable, even to me. But Gentle Readers, whether you dived or dove yesterday, I hope the water was sufficiently deep.

Finally, I want to bring up a matter that does not concern grammar, but it does concern humanity. I hope you'll read Mayor Gia's post about the murder of Trayvon Martin at http://mayorgia.blogspot.com/2013/07/well-isnt-this-fucked-up-and-bullshit.html. Gia first published this post after Trayvon's death. She re-posted it after his murderer was found not guilty. It remains the best post I've read about Trayvon Martin.

As for the verdict, I didn't watch the trial. I strongly suspect that the prosecutors failed to prove guilt beyond a reasonable doubt. However, if Trayvon Martin had killed George Zimmerman, then I strongly suspect that the prosecutors would have found a way to prove Trayvon Martin guilty -- without a doubt.

Infinities of love,

Janie Junebug

GRATITUDE TUESDAY: THE TIME MY DAD DROVE ME TO EMPORIA, KANSAS, SO I WOULDN'T MISS A FORENSICS TOURNAMENT

Gentle Readers . . . and Maxwell,

When I was in high school in scenic Topeka, Kansas, I participated in debate and forensics, much to the dismay of my piano teacher, who wanted me to spend more time practicing.

This piano is the one my mom bought when I was about eight or nine.
Our house in Topeka was too small for our grand piano.
I'm very grateful that my mom gave me the piano when I got married.
She also gave me the little china piano on the piano, and she paid for
my piano lessons and the music I needed. The yellow book is Clementi.
I think the white music is Mozart.

During the autumn and early winter, we debated. During the late winter and spring, we forensicked. Okay. Yeah. I just made up a word, but I'm The Queen of Grammar, and I can make up words if I feel like it.

Debate entailed working with a partner, called one's colleague, to argue a topic chosen for that year. In one round we'd have to be in favor of the topic, such as prison reform, and in the next round we'd argue against whatever the other team proposed.

It was fun, and I still have a gavel that my colleague and I won for coming in second at a debate tournament during my junior year, and her senior year. We weren't supposed to take debate trophies home with us because two people shared the trophy. I stole the gavel when I graduated. So sue me.

I loved debate, but forensics was fun, too. I have a little box my mom decoupaged for me. It has a boatload of medals I won for forensics. Forensics offered a variety of speaking opportunities. Some people gave extemporaneous speeches on a topic. Some people performed a dramatic interpretation of a scene from a play or book. My greatest success came from reading poetry and giving an informative speech on what might happen to us when we die. I still remember quoting T. S. Eliot: I am Lazarus, come back from the dead, come back to tell you all. I shall tell you all.

Oh, I said that line so dramatically. During college when I studied Eliot, however, I learned that I didn't like his poetry. I'm an Emily Dickinson and Sylvia Plath person. I love women who have mental breakdowns. I don't know why. Maybe I relate to them.

But, ah. I digress.

Forensics tournaments took place on Saturdays and were usually held in a fascinating Kansas town such as Osage City. I had to get up early on Saturday and get to school, where our team gathered to take a bus to the tournament. Before I was old enough to drive, my dad took me to school on those early Saturday mornings, for which I'm extremely grateful. My parents never heard me debate or read poetry, but they supported my wish to participate.

But one Saturday when I was supposed to be at school around 6 a.m., I woke up and it was a little past 6. My dad had promised to set his alarm and awaken me. I don't know if he failed to set the alarm, or if he turned it off and went back to sleep. I flew into my parents' bedroom in a panic. I'M GOING TO MISS THE TOURNAMENT! IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD!

My dad told me to get dressed and he would take me to school just in case the bus was still there. THE BUS ISN'T THERE! I'M GOING TO MISS THE TOURNAMENT! IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD!

Talk about teen angst. But my dad was totally calm. I'll just take you to the tournament, he said. So he drove me to the high school in Emporia, Kansas. I think it took an hour or so to get there. I arrived not long after the team did and didn't miss a minute of the tournament. The coach had withdrawn me, but he was able to reinstate me. He said they had wanted to call me to find out where I was, but no one knew how to spell my last name. I looked at a girl on the team. I had known her since we were in third grade. You don't know how to spell my name? I asked.

I couldn't remember, she said sheepishly.

Yeah. Right.

Bitch.

Later I was talking to one of the older guys on the team OH MY GOD HE WAS SO HOT AND HE TOOK ME OUT SEVERAL TIMES AND HE WANTED TO HAVE SEX WITH ME AND I SAID NO BECAUSE I WAS TOO SCARED and he asked why I had missed the bus. I told him about my dad not waking me up so he drove me to Emporia. Wow! he said. My dad would have said tough shit, he said. My dad wouldn't drive me to Emporia, he said.

My dad never said tough shit. My dad always took me where I needed to go.

I am so grateful.

And now for today's little grammar tip. Adorable Andi, a.k.a. LittleMyoo, don't ask me why she calls herself that she can if she wants to at delusions of ingenuity and you really should follow her because she's hilarious and very nice asked if I would mention that the past tense of drag is dragged. I'm very happy Andi brought this to our attention because  the next time I hear someone say I drug my ass outa bed to get to the forensics tournament I am gonna scream she is correct. The past tense of drag is, indeed, dragged. Not drug, so don't frickin' say drug when you mean dragged.

I suppose some of you read the posts from The Queen of Grammar with glee, hoping to spot an error. I don't mind. We all make misteaks.

Infinities of love,

Janie Junebug

I WANNA TEASE YOU

Gentle Readers . . . and Maxwell,

It's been a while since I've tried to convince you people to help me make some money amazed and delighted you with a new product in Janie Junebug's Tease at www.cafepress.com/JanieJunebugsTease.

I now have a Zombies section, with a bumper sticker and t-shirts suggested by Middle Child. Click on http://www.cafepress.com/janiejunebugstease/10224709 to find the new section.

The bumper sticker says DRIVE AS IF ZOMBIES ARE CHASING YOU

The t-shirts, which are available in a variety of sizes and colors, say

Happy Zombie Shopping! Remember: If you want to express yourself on a t-shirt, bumper sticker, mug, or whatever, you just need to let me know what you want your product to say, and I have ways of making it happen. If you've written a book, you can send me the cover image in the size you want it to be on a shirt, and I can design a t-shirt with your book on it. Email me at dumpedfirstwife@gmail.com.

I still have my Religious Tease, Military Tease, and Editor's Tips Tease. 

Now let's pause for a moment of silence as we ponder the glory of grammar. Last week I reminded you that "a while" is a noun, and "awhile" is an adverb. A certain gentleman who writes a great blog called The Chubby Chatterbox has asked me to discuss farther and further. Use "farther" for physical distance, and use "further" for figurative distance. Further can also be a modifier, as in "Further, The Chubby Chatterbox tells great stories about his childhood friend, Ricky Delgado."

Let me know if you have grammatical questions or would like me to issue a reminder about a certain grammatical area that drives you crazy. I am The Queen of Grammar. I live to serve my subjects.


Infinities of love,

Janie Junebug

FRANKLIN FRIDAY: NO DOGGIES ON THE FURNITURE?

Hi, Every Buddy! It's me me me me me! I'm Franklin the Bordernese.

I'm sorry I haven't written to you for a while. Mom was hogging laptop. She claimed she had work to do, but how can it be work when she sits in a recliner looking at laptop all day?

Now that I have my turn again, I want to tell you another story about Faulkner, The Original Dog.

Can you believe there was a time when Mom thought that doggies shouldn't sit or take naps on the furniture? She actually thought doggies should spend their time on the floor. I guess she was kind of crazy then.

When The Original Dog came to live with Mom, she said, No furniture. But then she noticed when she came home and Faulkner greeted her, he was leaving the love seat in the family room. Before long, he headed for the love seat before she could even get out the door. He'd hop up to take a little nap while she was gone.

She knew the love seat was real comfortable, so she decided that doggies really do belong on the furniture.

Faulkner on the couch in Illinois.

Scout sitting on a chair.

Me relaxing in the recliner.

Harper on a bed.

Boy, I'm sure glad Mom figured out where doggies belong. I like to sit right next to her while she taps away on laptop.

Thanks for visiting me, Every Buddy! I missed you! I love you!

Franklin the Bordernese

GRATITUDE TUESDAY: MOMPRENEUR BLOGGER

Gentle Readers . . . and Maxwell,

It's so nice to be back among the living. Barring some unforeseen grammatical question, I believe I'm done editing for now. I'm always grateful when I edit. You know I love correcting grammar. It makes me feel so good. However, I also enjoy trying to find ways to help an author write a better book. If I can make your reading experience more enjoyable, then that means a lot to me.

But today, my big-time gratitude is reserved for Middle Child. She's among the Top Ten Most Influential Mompreneur Bloggers. Take a look at #5 on this list:

http://voiceboks.com/10-most-influential-mompreneur-blogs-of-2013/

Yup, that there be Middle Child.

I'm grateful she's on the list, and I'm really grateful that so many of you took the time to vote for my little middle. Of course, it was actually Franklin who asked you to vote for her in his first FRANKLIN FRIDAY post. Who can say no to Franklin?

Well, I guess I've said it once or twice. But he's pretty hard to resist.

Way to go, Middle Child! I'm grateful for YOU.

Me finding out that Middle Child
is a superstar

It's so cool that my children are smarter and more talented and better
looking than I am.

To read Middle Child's incredibly influential blog, go to The Crazy Life of a Writing Mom. To see the site for the business she started and to check out great books she's written as EC Stilson, click on Wayman Publishing.

It's going to take me a while to catch up on your blogs. (Did you know that a while is a noun and awhile is an adverb? Don't use them interchangeably.) Right now, however, I need to empty Mrs. Roomba's dust bin, clean the bathroom, and scoop poop in the backyard.

The life of an editor is so glamorous.

Infinities of love,

Janie Junebug