ROYAL CHINWAG: AN INTRODUCTION

I princess. no more chaine

have mom with buks

love mom

love bruver franck

love penny

penny best frend

lern werds

bye bye from me princess

HOW TO WEIGH AN ELEPHANT

Gentle Readers . . . and Maxwell,

It's easy to get the height and weight of an elephant! Simply ask him!

I've always wondered about Donald Trump's vital statistics. During his recent visit to a charming hotel in Georgia, he said he's 6'3" and weighs 215 lbs. 

That's great for a guy who loves his MickeyD's with a Diet Coke.

• Karl: I like them French fried potaters.

He also likes KFC, and that's a nice, big bucket to enjoy with his large cup of gravy.

         My question has always been this: When a man survives on a fast food diet coupled with Diet Coke and his favorite cherry-vanilla ice cream, then how much does that man weigh?

215?

But how tall was Trump and how much did he weigh when he visited a similar establishment in New York? That was in April, and he said he was 6'2" and weighed 240. What a big, grown-up boy who grew a whole inch in four months! 

I'm confused!

So please help me with my question: How tall is Donald Trump and how much does he weigh? I think he's probably 6-feet tall (wears lifts in his shoes to appear taller) and weighs 275 (based on my experience with an ex-husband). Please tell me in your comment how tall you think he is and how much he weighs.

For purposes of comparison, please consider the following:

Trump's hair color was also described as blond or strawberry. Uh, I don't think so. The color depends on how recently he's opened a box of dye. 

Another point of comparison we can make is the following:

The current guy is 6 feet tall and weighs 178 lbs. 
Yes, I'm concerned about his age, but if it's a contest between "Let's go, Brandon/Sleepy Uncle Joe" and any of the leading GOP candidates––especially the one who is sometimes 6'2" and sometimes 6'3" and weighs somewhere between 215 and 300 pounds––Biden is still my man.

The former guy thinks we're all so stupid that we can't see the truth.

Infinities of love,

Janie Junebug

UNDER THE HEAT DOME

Gentle Readers . . . and Maxwell,

A summer under the heat dome was rough, with months of almost daily thunderstorms and temperatures around 100° that usually felt like 112 or so. Idalia blew through a few days ago and took with her some of the heat and humidity. The heat of summer isn't over, though. 

Idalia brought only a few raindrops, but the wind left a mess in the yard. I'm still cleaning up leaves and sticks. Late Thursday evening, storm over, the dogs and I started at a THUD of unknown source. Friday morning, I discovered some large tree limbs had fallen on the roof. I texted my wonderful neighbor, Penelope's beloved Auntie Maureen, whose yard guy had just mowed her yard. He quickly returned to remove the branches from my roof. 

I asked how much I owed him and he said, A cup of cold water. I returned with the water and a bottle of blackberry-infused water I hope he enjoyed. I have a number of tree limbs that need to be cut down, which he said he could take care of in the future. What a relief it always is to find someone nice to do some work.

 The cicadas have been going strong. I let the dogs out one night and they found a cicada on the deck. They went after it. That bastard buzzed like a stuck doorbell, then went after me, heading toward my face and neck. Finally, he flew away.

The next night, one flew in the house and landed on the light in the laundry room, where it tried to set up housekeeping after attacking me while I folded laundry. I had to get a broom to dispatch it. 

You haven't seen much of me because I've been so busy with work. Although I've missed you, I'm happy for the job security. We weren't nearly as busy a year ago. More about work another day.

We rejoiced over indictments. I don't know what will become of the orange blob (215 lbs. snicker). I worry about 2024.

I didn't have time to watch many shows, but I did take in the movie Till (2022), starring Danielle Deadwyler in a moving performance as Mamie Till Mobley and an unreconizable Whoopie Goldberg as Mobley's mother. 

Telling the same story in a slightly different way is Women of the Movement (2022; streaming on HULU; six episodes), starring Adrienne Warren as Mobley.

I think––I hope––most Americans know the story of Emmett Till.The movie and the series focus on his mother's story and the work she undertook in her grief. 

I had my eyes checked a couple of weeks ago. The doctor and I were shocked when I couldn't read anything on the chart with my left eye. New glasses will be ready in a couple of weeks. 

In spite of the heat, the summer has gone by quickly with the business of work. My desk is the center of the dogs' world. I'm grateful Franklin is still with us. The cancer hasn't returned. He is either 15 or it's fast approaching. His annual wellness exam is next week. Penelope remains my darling Penelope. She had her check-up. She's doing well in spite of her "arthuritis" and an occasional limp. Princess learns every day. I'll write more about her on another day as well. We all love her.

Infinities of love,

Janie Junebug

THANK YOU, BABS RAINBOW

 

THE TUCKS MAN a.k.a. oh how the mighty have fallen

Update: When I first published this post, it had the wrong version of the video I created. Sorry about that error. I hope I have it straightened out now. 

Gentle Readers . . . and Maxwell,

As you can imagine, I, along with everyone else in the US, have been very worried about Tucker Carlson since he was fired from Fox News. I was relieved when I found out he had another job, but apparently that hasn't been going too well.

Views for "Tucker Carlson on Twitter" posts (assume the number of people who actually viewed the videos is much much lower).

Announcement: 137.1M
Ep. 1: 120M
Ep. 2: 60.6M
Ep. 3 (Trump indicted): 104.1M
Ep. 4: 32.4M
Ep. 5: 17.3M
Ep. 6: 32M
Ep. 7: 15.4M
Ep. 8: 8.6M

😬😬😬 pic.twitter.com/qd9Ox2WiFx

— Matthew Gertz (@MattGertz) July 7, 2023

So I think the first thing Tucker needs to do is change his name to a catchy nickname. I suggest "The Tucks Man." Yes, I know Tucks is the name of a treatment for hemorrhoids, but no one will remember that.

I suppose one or two party poopers will think it's funny to say that The Tucks Man is the hemorrhoid on the ass of America

but we, his loyal fans, know that isn't true.

Now that we have a great nickname for Tucker, we have to come up with a new job for him and I have some suggestions.

I know you all join me in wishing Tucks well. Do you have any advice for Tucker, job related or otherwise? I'm sure he'll do a great job of covering the news about our true president's indictments.

Infinities of love,

Janie Junebug

FRANKLIN FRIDAY: OLE PENLAPEE IS FINE

 Hi! It's me me me me me Franklin the Bordernese. I love you every buddy! I'm an old man now but I'm still me me me Franklin the Bordernese and I ain't got no fleas!!!!

I've told you before but I figured I'd better tell you again that you can't take Ole Penlapee too serious. That new girl is named Princess. Her breed is called German Shepherd, but she barks in American. 

Princess got here the same way Penlapee did. Mom saw a pitcher of her online and it said Princess had a hard life and needed to be adopted. So Mom and Grandma drove to another town and came back with Princess. She was scared when she got here, but she's fine now. She's been learning her good doggy manners. 

Princess is a lot younger than we are so she has lots of energy. She likes to run and play, and she's been getting Penlapee to play with her. It's good for Ole Penlapee because she has arthuritis. Princess helps Penlapee get more exercise.

Penlapee is just jealous that Princess has gotten extra attention but Mom Mom would never make Penlapee go away. We love her too much. Penelapee gets crazy stuff in her head because she's a drama queen. 

I kinda had some drama for me a few months ago when I didn't feel so good. Auntie Rebekah came to see me and she brought her hubsand, my Uncle Eddie. I just love Uncle Eddie. He's nice. I know he loves me, too. 

He brushed my fur and while he brushed he noticed I had a red pimple on one of my back legs. He showed it to Mom so she kept an eye on it and the next day the bump was lots bigger and redder. So we went to the vet, but it wasn't my vet, Dr. G. He was out of the office for a little bit so we had to see another vet.

The other vet said I had cancer and for Mom to give me some pills but I was too old to have surgery. I didn't know what all that meant but Mom cried while she worked.

The whole time she worked and cried though she thought and planned so she checked on Dr. G. to find out when would he be back. Princess needed to meet him to get her first shots. 

Mom got the first appoinment for Princess that she could. Dr. G. said, Ms. Goltz, you got yourself a fine shepherd there. And she said, I think so, too, but I need to talk to you about Franklin. 

She was worried he would say what the other vet said––that I just had to have cancer––but no, Dr. G. said, Bring him in first thing tomorrow morning. Might be ah kin remove it. (He talks that way because he's from Georgia.)

The very next day Mom took me to Dr. G. I was scared but happy to be there because I had not been feeling one bit good. A few hours later, Dr. G. called Mom to say, Franklin came through the surgery just fine. He's enjoying his drugs now and you kin pick him up at 3:45. 

I had a bandage on my leg to cover up snitches. It all took a while to heal but now I'm all better and Mom doesn't cry.

I'm still an old man almost 15 years old but I wag my tail and I love my mom and my sisters and I'm doing just fine thank you very much. 

Okay Okay Okay That's all! Okay I love you Bye Bye!

And don't worry about Ole Penlapee!

PENELOPE SPEAKS: IT'S STILL HERE

 Hello. It is I, Penelope.

Get back here behind the couch with me.

We have to talk. Someone has to bring Mom Mom to her senses so she throws out that big ugly thing she brought into our home. That dog isn't royalty and she didn't go to the coronation. She wasn't even invited. She's German.

I know the English royal family has ties to Germany so don't start trying to teach me history. It turns out I'm the one who was invited to the coronation––I'm distantly related to those corgis––but I couldn't go because I had to protect Mom Mom and Franklin from the German invader. 

I guess that dog doesn't speak any English because she doesn't even sit when Mom Mom says sit. Sit is the easiest thing in the world. I learned it in about two minutes (editor's note: it took five years for Penelope to learn sit and she still avoids obeying the command). 

She eats all the time. She must be costing us a fortune and poor Mom Mom already works her tiny fingers to the bone tippity tapping all day on the computer for that work thing she does to get money for kibble and treats. Poor, poor Mom Mom. She couldn't possibly have known what she was getting into with this thing.

That girl is still a big time klepto, too. She stole a bar of soap from the edge of the bathtub and ate part of it! Why would anyone want to eat soap! YUCK! She still potties in the house sometimes. I have never never ever pottied in the house (editor's note: Penelope has had many accidents in the house for which she has always been forgiven). 

Because she is German, she gets all wild and rough. She ran into the village idiot, uh, I mean my poor frail, elderly big brother Franklin and knocked him down. It was horrible. I was so afraid he was badly injured and would have to go to the vet. My darling, beloved big brother turned out to be all right after he rested for a while. I was so very grateful. 

I thought she was royalty because her name gives that impression. Why would she have a name like that when she isn't royalty? Her name starts with the letter P just like my name. . . . just like my name . . . letter P . . . wait a minute . . . WAIT A MINUTE . . . I SEE WHAT'S GOING ON! Mom Mom brought in that younger bigger German dog with a P name to replace me! Mom Mom wants that dog instead of me!!! What am I going to do?

I see it now! It's been Mom Mom's plan all along to replace me with that P-word. 

And you know what else? No director ever called about making the Rudolph movie I was supposed to star in as the polka dotted elephant. Remember how Santa Paws brought my costume for Kissmas because it was a sign I would star in the movie?

A director was supposed to call me, but the call never came. I never got the call from the Daniels, or Spielberg, or the Coen brothers. Not even Darren Aronofsky or Paul Thomas Anderson.

When she learns to sit, I bet the call will come for her and it will be Marty Scorsese. My dream was to be directed by Marty. 

She has stolen my dream.

My costume won't fit her gigantic ass. She'll have to get her own. I suppose Marty will send Steven to deliver the costume to her in person. 

Woe is me. Woe is meeeeee. Waaaaaaah waaaaaaahhhh. All is lost. Waaaaaah. I guess I'll be the one Mom Mom throws out like a bag of garbage. Out to the road I'll go, never to be seen again. Waaaaaaah sniffle sniff My heart is broken, broken I tell you. The P-word will take my place in the house and she'll be Franklin's sister and Mom Mom's baby girl. It's the end of the world. I think I'll die. Waaaaah. Waaaah. This is my final blog post. I'll never get to write to you again. The supper I ate last night was the last supper. I'll never have a meal again. I'll starve to death. Waaaaaaaaaaaahhh. Abused all my life and now I'll be tossed out to starve and die. Maybe Auntie Maureen will see me and toss a bread crumb to me. Please, please help me, Auntie Maureen. I need you, Auntie Maureen. Waaaaaah. Auntie Rebekah, if you see this, maybe you will come to get me and give me a tiny drink of water when it's hot. Pretty please?

This is my last day on earth. Farewell, cruel world.

Before I go, I'll show a picture of that German girl's big ugly butt.

Someone needs to tell her to fahr zur Hölle.