IT'S THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS

'Twas the night before Christmas
and all through the palace
not a creature was stirring
with intent of malice.
Franklin, Penelope, and Stella
were crapped out in bed
while visions of chew toys
danced in their heads.

Willy Dunne Wooters
checked out the college football scores
when Queen Junebug got out the
Chicago Manual of Style Sixteenth Edition
and turned into a bore.

Cut back on your adverbs, she shouted ever so loudly.
Use stronger verbs.
Vary your sentence structures.
Vary your words.
Know the difference between farther and further.
Don't "sing" like Fred Durst.
If you're British, it's towards.
For Americans, toward.
It's is it is.
Alright it is not.

Read a good book.
Check punctuation.
Use ellipsis correctly,
and she'll stop belly achin'.

When you have a question,
call on Your Queen of Grammar, please.
Need help with peak, peek, and pique?
She's here for your dictionarial needs.

Chicago prefers 4:21 p.m.,
but your Junebug is tired.
She's ready to remove her crown.
It's mashed down her golden tresses,
and left her with a frown.

But the DVD from Netflix
is sure to make her smile.
It's Florence Foster Jenkins!
She's wanted to see this for a while.

So where will we be at this time next year?
We don't wish to be anyplace but here
with you Gentle Readers . . . and Maxwell,
we're all right.

Infinities of love can never be depleted.
We wish you a good night.