Friday, August 26, 2016

FLASHBACK FRIDAY: DIVORCE BITES THE BIG ONE

Michael D'Agostino of A Life Examined hosts a bloghop called Flashback Friday––a time of the month when you can republish an old post of yours that maybe didn't get enough attention, or that you're really proud of, or you think is still relevant, etc. 




If you'd like to join us, Flashback Friday occurs on the last Friday of every month.

My Flashback Friday post for August is titled Divorce Bites The Big One, so I guess you know what I was up to when I published it on February 15, 2010 (my third month of blogging). The post has had fourteen page views and zero comments. I want to re-publish it because I like my idea for a "divorce surrogate."



Gentle Readers,

Today I had an "Oh My God I'm getting divorced and will it ever end" day.

Divorce, unless you've been married two minutes and have no community property, drags on forever.

The lawyer can't find my affidavit of income and expenses and I have to do another one. Why wasn't the first one filed months ago, and why oh why didn't I make a copy of it?

I still don't have my computer and some of the information I need for the affidavit is on the computer.

The lawyer has used up the entire retainer and already wants another $432 and my husband, who said he would pay my legal expenses, is balking at giving up more of his vast fortune. The richest people are the cheapest.

The lawyer also wants copies of all my medical records, so I have to write to all my doctors giving them permission to give the copies to the lawyer, then wait for them to tell me how much the copies cost so I can pay them and then they will send the copies to the lawyer.

I have already spent a small fortune copying documents for this damned stupid moronic divorce. It's so easy for my husband. He can make all the freaking copies he wants for free.

So, I have come up with a solution to my problems: Men used to hire substitutes to serve in the military for them. I want a sub to go through the rest of the divorce for me. I will hire her to deal with everything that needs doing, she can be miserable and cry for me, she can fight over money, and I will just relax.

Don't you think that's a good idea?

In the middle of my misery today, and oh by the way I did get the house super clean even though I had to stop from time to time to cry, I remembered something that happened a couple of weeks ago that made me laugh.

We couldn't let our dogs out in the fenced in back yard because one of the little devils, who weighs 80 pounds, broke one of the barriers that keep the dogs from going under the deck, then under the house, and trotting out to freedom.

So the dogs who are not trustworthy, and that's most of them, had to be walked around the front yard on a lead or be chained in the back yard. The 80 pounder who started all the trouble would not poop when he was chained or on the lead.

After a couple of days, obviously he was getting pretty desperate. My favorite younger man left his bedroom door open and Mr. 80 Pounds sneaked into the bedroom, hid behind the door, and took a gigantic dump.

I mean, really, you can imagine the poop that would come out of a dog that big who hadn't gone for a couple of days. I had to use the pooper scooper to clean it up.

Ah, well, that's life with dogs and divorce. Somebody's always takin' a shit on ya.

We used to have a blind dog. When we took him for a walk on a lead, which he handled very well in spite of not knowing where he was going, he did the most hilarious thing. When my husband would bend down to tie his shoe, the dog would pee on him - just the same as if he were a stop sign post.

I guess my husband didn't think it was as funny as I did. Toughski shitski, as the Russians say.

Tomorrow I might write about a famous Olympic dumper, and may God grant that my computer will be back with me.

Oh, and I thought of something I forgot to tell you about the L word yesterday.

In the romantic tradition, it was believed that love entered through the eyes. Thus the saying Love at first sight.

I have only experienced love at first sight with my children, my dogs and my favorite younger man's dogs.

Love,

Dumped First Wife

Tomorrow is another day, Miss Scarlet!

47 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. It ended long ago, and I'm quite happy.

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  2. Just what you didn't need in the midst of divorce - a pile of dog shit in the house! Love your idea of a divorce surrogate. That could be expanded to several things. I'd go for a housework surrogate. ☺

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    1. Technically, it was in my son's bedroom (we lived together at the time). He was at work, though, and it was my dog, so I cleaned it up.

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  3. That sounded like a tough situation. I'm sure you are glad that it is all over and behind you now. I like the dog stories; dogs can be such brats sometimes, lol.

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    1. It was pretty funny that the dog went in my son's room to poop!

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  4. Really liked reading this. Especially the humor you put into it. I too started my blog to let go and encourage others during the trials of divorce. Some baggage hangs on forever, it seems. Now, I'm loving how my blog has evolved away from that event and time in my life.
    Visiting on Flashback Friday: https://meinthemiddlewrites.com/

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    1. My former wedding anniversary was last week. I didn't even think about it other than noticing the date.

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  5. No common comments ...until now! Divorce always sucks and I recall mine many years ago. Mine was simpler, no children and very amicable but still tough and I did it all because I didn't need a lawyer. When one needs a lawyer and kids are involved, it becomes very difficult. It also hurts when the ex has money but hates to part with any of it when they should. When reading this again and remembering the feelings, how do you feel now?

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    1. Now I'm happy that the marriage ended. It was for the best and I knew it at the time, but it was so much work! Plus, after thirty years, it was a huge change. I also know now that I should have made some other settlement demands.

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  6. Oh, Janie. I was divorced when I was thirty, and now I am 73. I remember what you are talking about, but without much feeling. Except the dog. I kept "his" dog, because guess who didn't want to take him. Duke and I had a good life.

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    1. Good for you and Duke. My dogs loved me, and I loved them. They are all gone now, but I started a new life with Franklin and Penelope. The three of us are quite happy together.

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  7. You've had lots of tomorrows since you wrote that post, Janie! I do like the idea of hiring a surrogate to slog through the morass of paperwork. A good lawyer should make that easier for you, but sounds like yours could have been better. I especially like the idea of hiring a sub for dealing with the misery; that is a stroke of genius. Here's to better days. Cheers, Wilma

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    1. For the most part, my lawyer did a good job. At the time, the affidavits and copies he needed from me seemed overwhelming.

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  8. A divorce sub? That's a million dollar idea right there.

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    Replies
    1. Yes, I think it's a good idea, but it's not a job I would want.

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  9. The idea of a divorce surrogate is an interesting one. I've had friends and family who've divorced and it's a difficult process on so many levels. Thanks for (re)sharing!

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  10. Since I've been through two divorces I can kind of relate. When those happened we didn't have all that much in community property. In the second one we had a lot of debt so we split that up. The kids are the biggest hassle--trying to figure out how that all works. Divorce sucks a lot and I hope I never have to experience it again. Not even if I had a stand-in to absorb all the pain. It's difficult to divorce oneself from the divorce.

    Arlee Bird
    Tossing It Out

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    1. Our children were young adults, so that helped. I'll certainly never marry again. I've happy with Willy Dunne Wooters.

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  11. Brilliant idea. I could have used one. Twice. ;)

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    1. I'll never need one in the future. Marriage is worthless! Absolutely worthless!

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  12. I've only been married once and my wife and I have now been together for 45 years, so I can only imagine how painful divorce is.

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    Replies
    1. From an emotional standpoint, it turned out well for me. Financially, it's more difficult.

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  13. Divorce is something I know bugga all about as I have only been married to Tim although two of my sisters are divorced and both had simple divorces no dividing up property as they didn't own property as in a house, the do have children but custody was split between the parents, when Sue and Rex went to court about their children when Vaughan said he wanted to stay with is dad and Kirsty said she wanted to stay with their mum both Sue and Rex said that's ok which shocked the magistrate as they are twins and he was surprised that both parents had no problem with splitting the twins up both Sue and Rex said this is what they want and we do not want to force a child to live with a parent they would rather not live with, over the years their other two children Heather and Kelli would go between living with each parent as they wanted if one of the children said say to Sue I want to go and live with dad for a while she would say ok let me talk to your dad and sort it out. When Jeannie and Shane divorced she got custody but the children went to Shanes every weekend and again the magistrate was surprised that Jeannie had no problem with Shane having the children each weekend as Shane is an alcoholic but Jeannie said he loves his children and she would never stop them seeing him.

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    1. It sounds as if both of your sisters took complicated situations and made them as simple as possible. Good for them! I'm glad we didn't have to deal with custody issues.

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  14. Divorce sucks. Sorry you had to go through all that and the dog issues too. Glad it's over now. I can't believe no one ever commented on this til now. Thanks for openning up and sharing this with us.

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    1. It didn't get comments because I only had two or three followers when I posted it. Thanks for commenting now.

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  15. It's a sad story, Janie. So it is true that rich guy are cheapskates.

    And no, I cannot for the life of me imagine the poop that would come out of a dog that big who hadn't gone for a couple of days. I'm more of a dino droppings kinda guy. Those I can imagine. What... there's the same size?

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    1. I'm sure that some rich men are generous. Willy Dunne Wooters doesn't have as much money as X, but he is wealthy because of his empathy. He's the most generous person I've ever met.

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  16. My sister got divorced early their year. I helped her with the expenses of filing and heard a lot of the troubles her husband (now ex) was claiming he was going to put her through. My best friend is also in the middle of a divorce. So although I haven't been divorced myself, I understand some of this.

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    1. My ex-husband told me he was going to see to it that I was locked up in a mental institution for the rest of my life. So far, he has failed.

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  17. Wow. I had no idea about the paperwork you have to do for a divorce. Sounds like a nightmare. That bit about the dog is funny and horrifying. My brother-in-law's pooch has trouble "going" when his family is out of town and can only get relief when his dog sitter walks him with another dog.

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    1. The longer you've been married, the more paperwork there is--unless you have a lot of shared property and custody issues early in the marriage. I kind of enjoyed it that when the dog finally decided to poop that he did it in my son's room.

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  18. Brilliant idea about a divorce sub! I wish I'd had one when I was going through my own. Sorry about having to go through all this. It truly and absolutely sucks.

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    1. Thank you, but he's long gone and everything is fine.

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  19. Sorry you had to go through such a shitty ordeal. I wouldn't want a dog or a divorce, though dogs do make good companions when they're not dropping deuces in your son's bedroom. ;-)

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    1. About now I wish one of the dogs would take a crap on my son's head.

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  20. I am so glad that you are in a happy place now. I haven't been through a divorce but it sounds awful. If there was a job opening for "divorce surrogate", I wouldn't apply.

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    1. I'd apply because no one will hire me anyway so it doesn't matter.

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  21. I can think of lots of life experiences for which it'd be great to hire a surrogate: dental work, for instance.

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  22. Glad it all ended well for you, thus proving one of my mother's favorite sayings when I was a kid: "This, too, shall pass." I guess the dog got that...

    Nice post.

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    1. That's funny. I miss that dog. When he got older and slowed down a bit, he was a sweetheart.

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  23. Ugh. Divorce. I was young and resilient when I got divorced, so I handled it like a champ. I couldn't go through it now. I think I'd go to prison for murder rather than go through a divorce. Did I type that out loud?

    -andi

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