THE BIG DATE

Gentle Readers . . . and Maxwell,

I know you're all dying to find out what happened with the big date on Saturday, and I'm ready to fill you in.

First, I should tell you who he is. Please stay calm as he is a rather wealthy celebrity.

He is Elvis Aaron Schwarz of the East Hampton Schwarzes. Try not to be too impressed. He puts on his pants one leg at a time, just like the rest of us (at least I think he does).

How did I meet him? I finally gave in and tried a dating site. I couldn't resist him when I saw his photo:

Elvis Aaron Schwarz of the East Hampton Schwarzes

Because Elvis is so good looking, women follow him  in droves.  Since I will not share my man,  he very generously traveled incognito. Therefore, when we met, he looked like this:

Sorry the picture is out of focus. I was so excited to meet him that my hands were shaking when I took his photo.

Elvis explained to me that he leads the exciting life of a wealthy celebrity. He drives a pick-up truck, takes care of his dog, goes to work, goes to church, and attends family gatherings. He also helps his sister a lot.

I am a lucky woman.

Now, for the date itself. I think I will tell you about it by answering the questions asked in her comment by our dear friend Peaches (http://conceivewriting.blogspot.com/), the author of the soon-to-be-released book, Day Laughs, Night Cries.

Here are the questions and my answers:

Peaches: Were you nervous?

I was nervous until I saw him and he gave me a nice hug and grabbed my crotch. I felt safe and secure in his arms, and I was extremely grateful I had gone commando.

Peaches: Did he pass gas or did you?

I was a little gassy, but I think I fooled him. I held my nose and shouted, I think the baby at the next table has a dirty diaper. The baby's mom gave me a nasty look, but for heaven's sake, I couldn't allow a wealthy celebrity to think I fart.

Peaches: Did you take him home or did he ask you to go home with him?

I brought him home because he promised to wash all the windows. I can now see out of them because the dog drool has been wiped away. Those windows are streak free. He also knows how to sew. He repaired my torn sweater and reupholstered my dining room chairs. I know that's a lot for a first date, but he had to prove he is worthy of crotch grabbing.

Peaches: Did he talk on his cell phone?

No. However, I received a call from a friend (we'll call her Elisa though that's not her name). Elisa needed to know why microwave ovens don't work when the electricity is off, how to remove her facial hair, and why Dr. Jones refuses to be potty trained. We chatted for about 30 minutes while I answered Elisa's questions, and Elvis waited quite patiently.

Peaches: What about Pickles?

Do you mean Pickles Feldman, the singer, or Elvis's ex-wife, Pickles Aaron Schwarz? If you mean the singer, her music was playing the entire time we were in the restaurant because she's a great favorite in Jacksonville. If you mean the ex-wife, she has moved away and we do not need to discuss exes, including Dr.  . . . what was his name again?

I think it's safe to say that it was a good first date. He is thoughtful and has a great sense of humor. He loves to read and he loves words (the way to my heart). After lunch, we wandered around in an antique store. He calls to let me know when he arrives safely at home, and he checks on me to make sure I'm o.k. It's pretty cool that he loves dogs, and only has rescued dogs.

Stephanola, he just might be a Rudolph.

Infinities of love,

Janie Junebug

P.S. I'm sorry I'm not visiting blogs every day. I continue to read, write, and edit -- and I love every minute of it.